Haunted

Do actions or words ever remind you of something? And because you are reminded you get so upset and put in a depression mood? I'm sure it happens to most, but I really wish mine would stop. Sometimes I wish I could do a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind effect. Erase my memory.

I was with someone who verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him because I felt I couldn't do better. I didn't want to be lonely, so I put up with it. Then my anger worsened. I became abusive back; emotionally, verbally, and my last straw was being physically abusive. I still think that if
I had a gun near me, I would've shot him. I absolutely hate him. And now... I am haunted by him.

Words and actions were recently said. Completely trivial. And then I was triggered with rage. It reminded me of how he treated me. And because it reminded me of him I became more upset. Because I was, in the end, so upset with myself I had to get away. I wanted to be alone and upset at myself. Was it selfish? Possibly. I upset many other people, and made one that I care so much about cry. I think he thinks it was his fault, but I feel it's mine. In the end, I'm a scared little girl who still can't express her words verbally so he has no idea. I wish he knew...

I love him more then I could ever describe in words. He means the world to me. And when I cry because I'm mad at myself for past events haunting me, I cry harder because I'm scared. Why do these thoughts arise? Could this effect my current relationship? I cry more...

Sometimes I think I need therapy to rid these feelings... But then I recall on a time I once did go to therapy and all the man did was talk about his trees and his car, and count touching the tip of his fingers. Little quirks about people can be quite irritating.

I'm helpless 😞

Priorities

What do you put first in your life?

I've been going to college for 7 years - nonstop. Since 2004 the professors would say, there's no jobs now but by the time you begin you're teaching there would be. 7 years later and there isn't. So what do I do? The last step to receive my credentials to be a teacher is to student teach. But in order to student teach, I have to quit my job. Then for 4 months I will do my student teaching to not have a job again. There's no jobs for teachers. And if there are, they're required to hire the ones who were laid off first. I can substitute teach but again it's not guaranteed, will hire those let go first, and it's not a year round job. Do I work at awful retail jobs until I get a teaching position? Will there even be jobs available to apply to? Will they think I'm over qualified to work for them?

One professor told his student, get your schooling done in California and teach in another state. My family means way more to me than a job. I didn't choose the field for money. I chose it because I enjoy it. Am I just asking for too much? Am I not realistic?

I thought, well I can extend out my schooling so I don't have to quit yet. I spoke to the University of Phoenix for other options. Then she brought it to my attention that some programs only give you so long to complete it, then you have to start over. Great. She basically told me their school wasn't best for me and to just finish at Stanislaus.

I don't know what to do...

Why hello again, it's me. Your old friend

Since this my "first" post I feel required to say welcome.

Welcome! ☺

I restarted my blog for multiple reasons: I enjoy writing, I enjoy reading what I wrote years ago, venting, and I want to write all my childhood memories I can think of to remember when I'm old.. So be prepared. You're in for a treat.

Every few years, I get in that mood to begin blogging again. (More like, a public diary) More so, to look back on... I contemplated continuing on my old blog, or starting new - starting new won.

If you are ever curious to read my embarrassing posts from the past, check these out:
http://taravenecia.blogspot.com/
http://xxxveneciaxxx.livejournal.com/


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