Haunted

Do actions or words ever remind you of something? And because you are reminded you get so upset and put in a depression mood? I'm sure it happens to most, but I really wish mine would stop. Sometimes I wish I could do a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind effect. Erase my memory.

I was with someone who verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him because I felt I couldn't do better. I didn't want to be lonely, so I put up with it. Then my anger worsened. I became abusive back; emotionally, verbally, and my last straw was being physically abusive. I still think that if
I had a gun near me, I would've shot him. I absolutely hate him. And now... I am haunted by him.

Words and actions were recently said. Completely trivial. And then I was triggered with rage. It reminded me of how he treated me. And because it reminded me of him I became more upset. Because I was, in the end, so upset with myself I had to get away. I wanted to be alone and upset at myself. Was it selfish? Possibly. I upset many other people, and made one that I care so much about cry. I think he thinks it was his fault, but I feel it's mine. In the end, I'm a scared little girl who still can't express her words verbally so he has no idea. I wish he knew...

I love him more then I could ever describe in words. He means the world to me. And when I cry because I'm mad at myself for past events haunting me, I cry harder because I'm scared. Why do these thoughts arise? Could this effect my current relationship? I cry more...

Sometimes I think I need therapy to rid these feelings... But then I recall on a time I once did go to therapy and all the man did was talk about his trees and his car, and count touching the tip of his fingers. Little quirks about people can be quite irritating.

I'm helpless 😞