So it's almost that time! A new year, a new begining!
Last year, my new years resolution was simply happiness. Lets rewind to 2010 to explain...
2010 was not one of my favorites. It felt like every month somebody I knew was dying - all starting in January. From coworkers to friends parents to family members - everyone! I was never happy in my marriage, but this was one of the worse. After his friends death (from suicide), his attitude had changed tremendously. He himself became suicidal. I've had countless members of my family commit suicide, so this is a very sensitive spot for me. And he knew it. He used it against me. Neither one of us wanted to be with each other, but then he'd try changing his mind. I didn't want him back, he would 'threaten suicide,' I would 'pretend' I wanted him back, so he wouldn't... I mean, this nearly went on for 6 months it felt like! It was so stressful. I felt that if he really did go through it, I would feel guilty for not having done anything. At the same time, I called his bluff. After so long, I couldn't take it and I forwarded the messages to his mother and told her to deal with it - and that was the end of it! It was funny because right when he found out I did that he called me a coward. Coward? I'm not the one throwing a pity party for myself! Anyways, between deaths & fake suicide attempts, I also had to deal with him being a complete horrible person - still jobless, needing money, cheating; you name it. Eventually he began dating some stupid girl and took me off the hook! Thank god!! So he was finally out of my life and we could begin the divorce process, he finally gave up when he realized not even money could buy me back - Yes, he tried to buy my love with $10,000, I could've been a complete bitch and pretended just to get the money and leave him later, but I hated him so much and this was finally a way out - I declined. So then it was dealing with those awkward conversations of where's your husband, and having to explain that.. then dealing with sleeping in a bed alone. Trying out a stint of relationships, but trusting my instinct so not getting far... Then dealing with a so-called best friend having sex with your husband.
So needless to say, by the end of 2010, I was ready for it to be over! All I kept saying was 2011 will be a good year. And I was sticking to it. I was going to make that happen.
And so it began, a relationship flourished with an amazing man and we began officially dating January 19th. We've been on trips every month, we've made it a requirement, to somewhere new. From San Francisco, Sacramento, Monterrey, VEGAS! - to different entertainments; aquariums, movies, Disneyland, 6 Flags, etc. We have done so much together, and enjoy it to the fullest. It's an amazing feeling to be able to spend time with someone you love and care, and have such an amazing time with! So beside an amazing man in my life, I definitely have the best friends one could ever meet. Good/healthy family. Complete happiness. And that's all I wanted for 2011 - happiness. And I succeeded. I kind-of changed my attitude, as far as money goes. I had a more 'loose' approach; more of, a have fun - don't worry! And it worked. 2011 has been my happiest year - New Years Resolutions DO work!
So, for 2012 my new years resolution is: success. It's a little vague, and not as cliche as the usual 'loose weight' etc resolution. The success will come in many forms. Passing tests needed for becoming a teacher, creating and maintaining a healthy lifestyle and growth in relationships. I feel confident, and excited to begin the new year. I know I will be successful.
Wednesday, December 14, 2011
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
Childhood Memories
This will be a continuing post. I want to write down every, yes every, childhood memory. I remember when I was younger reading back through a journal I wrote and even then I had forgotten some of my memories. So I thought I would write them down before I'm too old to remember anything! So I will continually update this post and try putting the memories in chronological order - I'm so thoughtful! Here it goes...
0-4 years old --- (I was living in Oceanside, CA)
• I was sitting on the back of my parents bike and we were all riding bikes. I remember going down some type of structure that was shaped like a screw. Then we road by a baseball field. There was a part we went under and came up above the ground. [i actually had a dream of this. It seemed so realistic and was a 3rd person point of view. So I asked my mom about it and that's how I found out it was all real!]
• I was crunched up and hiding. Secretly stealing the dog (or cat) food. I was chowing down! :-0
• I rarely seen my parents because they were both such hard workers (or atleast I felt that way). I was super attached to my mom and remember missing her so much. There was a night I heard a car pull in, so I jumped up and looked outside. I was so excited she was home. But then I had to pretend I was sleeping when she walked into the room.
• It was our last night in Oceanside before we moved. The house was empty and dark. I remember our dinner was pork & beans!
To be continued...
0-4 years old --- (I was living in Oceanside, CA)
• I was sitting on the back of my parents bike and we were all riding bikes. I remember going down some type of structure that was shaped like a screw. Then we road by a baseball field. There was a part we went under and came up above the ground. [i actually had a dream of this. It seemed so realistic and was a 3rd person point of view. So I asked my mom about it and that's how I found out it was all real!]
• I was crunched up and hiding. Secretly stealing the dog (or cat) food. I was chowing down! :-0
• I rarely seen my parents because they were both such hard workers (or atleast I felt that way). I was super attached to my mom and remember missing her so much. There was a night I heard a car pull in, so I jumped up and looked outside. I was so excited she was home. But then I had to pretend I was sleeping when she walked into the room.
• It was our last night in Oceanside before we moved. The house was empty and dark. I remember our dinner was pork & beans!
To be continued...
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Haunted
Do actions or words ever remind you of something? And because you are reminded you get so upset and put in a depression mood? I'm sure it happens to most, but I really wish mine would stop. Sometimes I wish I could do a Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind effect. Erase my memory.
I was with someone who verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him because I felt I couldn't do better. I didn't want to be lonely, so I put up with it. Then my anger worsened. I became abusive back; emotionally, verbally, and my last straw was being physically abusive. I still think that if
I had a gun near me, I would've shot him. I absolutely hate him. And now... I am haunted by him.
Words and actions were recently said. Completely trivial. And then I was triggered with rage. It reminded me of how he treated me. And because it reminded me of him I became more upset. Because I was, in the end, so upset with myself I had to get away. I wanted to be alone and upset at myself. Was it selfish? Possibly. I upset many other people, and made one that I care so much about cry. I think he thinks it was his fault, but I feel it's mine. In the end, I'm a scared little girl who still can't express her words verbally so he has no idea. I wish he knew...
I love him more then I could ever describe in words. He means the world to me. And when I cry because I'm mad at myself for past events haunting me, I cry harder because I'm scared. Why do these thoughts arise? Could this effect my current relationship? I cry more...
Sometimes I think I need therapy to rid these feelings... But then I recall on a time I once did go to therapy and all the man did was talk about his trees and his car, and count touching the tip of his fingers. Little quirks about people can be quite irritating.
I'm helpless 😞
I was with someone who verbally and emotionally abusive. I stayed with him because I felt I couldn't do better. I didn't want to be lonely, so I put up with it. Then my anger worsened. I became abusive back; emotionally, verbally, and my last straw was being physically abusive. I still think that if
I had a gun near me, I would've shot him. I absolutely hate him. And now... I am haunted by him.
Words and actions were recently said. Completely trivial. And then I was triggered with rage. It reminded me of how he treated me. And because it reminded me of him I became more upset. Because I was, in the end, so upset with myself I had to get away. I wanted to be alone and upset at myself. Was it selfish? Possibly. I upset many other people, and made one that I care so much about cry. I think he thinks it was his fault, but I feel it's mine. In the end, I'm a scared little girl who still can't express her words verbally so he has no idea. I wish he knew...
I love him more then I could ever describe in words. He means the world to me. And when I cry because I'm mad at myself for past events haunting me, I cry harder because I'm scared. Why do these thoughts arise? Could this effect my current relationship? I cry more...
Sometimes I think I need therapy to rid these feelings... But then I recall on a time I once did go to therapy and all the man did was talk about his trees and his car, and count touching the tip of his fingers. Little quirks about people can be quite irritating.
I'm helpless 😞
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Priorities
What do you put first in your life?
I've been going to college for 7 years - nonstop. Since 2004 the professors would say, there's no jobs now but by the time you begin you're teaching there would be. 7 years later and there isn't. So what do I do? The last step to receive my credentials to be a teacher is to student teach. But in order to student teach, I have to quit my job. Then for 4 months I will do my student teaching to not have a job again. There's no jobs for teachers. And if there are, they're required to hire the ones who were laid off first. I can substitute teach but again it's not guaranteed, will hire those let go first, and it's not a year round job. Do I work at awful retail jobs until I get a teaching position? Will there even be jobs available to apply to? Will they think I'm over qualified to work for them?
One professor told his student, get your schooling done in California and teach in another state. My family means way more to me than a job. I didn't choose the field for money. I chose it because I enjoy it. Am I just asking for too much? Am I not realistic?
I thought, well I can extend out my schooling so I don't have to quit yet. I spoke to the University of Phoenix for other options. Then she brought it to my attention that some programs only give you so long to complete it, then you have to start over. Great. She basically told me their school wasn't best for me and to just finish at Stanislaus.
I don't know what to do...
I've been going to college for 7 years - nonstop. Since 2004 the professors would say, there's no jobs now but by the time you begin you're teaching there would be. 7 years later and there isn't. So what do I do? The last step to receive my credentials to be a teacher is to student teach. But in order to student teach, I have to quit my job. Then for 4 months I will do my student teaching to not have a job again. There's no jobs for teachers. And if there are, they're required to hire the ones who were laid off first. I can substitute teach but again it's not guaranteed, will hire those let go first, and it's not a year round job. Do I work at awful retail jobs until I get a teaching position? Will there even be jobs available to apply to? Will they think I'm over qualified to work for them?
One professor told his student, get your schooling done in California and teach in another state. My family means way more to me than a job. I didn't choose the field for money. I chose it because I enjoy it. Am I just asking for too much? Am I not realistic?
I thought, well I can extend out my schooling so I don't have to quit yet. I spoke to the University of Phoenix for other options. Then she brought it to my attention that some programs only give you so long to complete it, then you have to start over. Great. She basically told me their school wasn't best for me and to just finish at Stanislaus.
I don't know what to do...
Why hello again, it's me. Your old friend
Since this my "first" post I feel required to say welcome.
Welcome! ☺
I restarted my blog for multiple reasons: I enjoy writing, I enjoy reading what I wrote years ago, venting, and I want to write all my childhood memories I can think of to remember when I'm old.. So be prepared. You're in for a treat.
Every few years, I get in that mood to begin blogging again. (More like, a public diary) More so, to look back on... I contemplated continuing on my old blog, or starting new - starting new won.
If you are ever curious to read my embarrassing posts from the past, check these out:
http://taravenecia.blogspot.com/
http://xxxveneciaxxx.livejournal.com/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/XXXveneciaXXX
Facebook: http://facebook.com/taravenecia
Welcome! ☺
I restarted my blog for multiple reasons: I enjoy writing, I enjoy reading what I wrote years ago, venting, and I want to write all my childhood memories I can think of to remember when I'm old.. So be prepared. You're in for a treat.
Every few years, I get in that mood to begin blogging again. (More like, a public diary) More so, to look back on... I contemplated continuing on my old blog, or starting new - starting new won.
If you are ever curious to read my embarrassing posts from the past, check these out:
http://taravenecia.blogspot.com/
http://xxxveneciaxxx.livejournal.com/
Twitter: http://twitter.com/XXXveneciaXXX
Facebook: http://facebook.com/taravenecia
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